What do you want

You have asked me to tell you what it is that I want.

I'm afraid that is something I shall not reply openly.

I know I have teased and taunted you. And I demand to be told exactly what it is that you want. Be careful if you do - once I know your mind... I will read your heart, trace your skin, bid your emotions to flow, command your body. You will be mine.

But my desires, apetites? Those are mine alone. You may believe you know me already, but all you have seen are shades of myself. I can be your sweetest, or your most passionate lover. And everything you can imagine in-between. But I will not reveal what it is that I want the most of you. You will have to learn that yourself.

If you can learn to read me, then with no shame or reluctance, I will be yours.

Now, what is it that you want?

Requiem for a cherry tree

There are some things you want from life.
Some things so precious, you do not dare to risk losing them, dare not speak of them, and is especially valid for certain dreams.

My dream? I wanted a cherry tree.

I wanted to see it grow, from a little potted plant, into a big, healthy tree, in my own backyard.

I dreamed of touching the smooth-and-rough bark, and thinking of how it was once just a twig, back then, when the world was wider and time was available.

I wanted a big cherry tree, one which I could climb, as I liked to do when I was little. One that would not bend or break, with safe, thick limbs. See, touch, smell the reddish wood.

I needed the Shade of the cherry tree, I wanted a lush tree, where I could enjoy a refreshing, promising breeze, for the rest of my life.

I'm wishing that someday I will forget that I was once so close to having my cherry tree. Thinking that sometime I will be able to look back, and not miss the blossoms and petals, the loaded branches, the butterflies' cocoons, the beautiful shine of a bare trunk, that I will never get to see. 


That brittle twig was not my tree.

Common sense tells me that.

Then why can i still taste the ripe cherries?

3 years

I wonder if it's just that romantic people like us get heart warming/breaking words to decide so much in our lives.

Or if everyone has important decisions made based on strong feelings. 

 "I have been in love with you for the past three years..." 

 How much do we base our "day to day" acting in distant hopes and dreams? 
I have noticed this drives my life, sometimes. I wonder if everyone is the same? 
I would hope it is. Although those dreams are probably very different from each others'. 

 "...And i will probably love you for the next three years..." 

 Dreams and hopes change. Sometimes we outgrow them. Sometimes they die and vanish. 
But if we cherish them enough, some may come true. But if you don't do something about them, then there's no way they will be anything but dreams. 

 "...And the three years after that." 

 *grin* Then save yourself six years and fly down here. Who knows. Maybe it is a second chance. Maybe it's not only your dream you could be fulfilling... but hers.

 The world is as wide or small as we make of it. As are our choices. 
*laugh* 
Maybe everyone -does- get to build their lives from long-cherished dreams.

I'd probably be happy

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy



Bright Eyes - The fist day of my life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said "this is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Turmoil

I happen to like that word.

I will be writing some bits & pieces, just to explore turmoil, which i know breeds some positive results sometimes, but usually brings consequences of grief and loss that i don't really want to summon.

Carta random

Loreto:

Acabo de saber lo de José. Confieso que en primer lugar no supe qué sentir, pensé en llamarte, aunque la diferencia horaria lo hace poco práctico, y, después de todo, los teléfonos que tenía listados para ustedes probablemente ya no funcionen.

De cualquier modo, me resulta más fácil escribirte que llamar, pues al hacerlo de esta forma, mis palabras las puedo pensar un poco y decirlas todas, mientras que si te llamara, tal vez cortarías la comunicación. Siempre puede ser que botes esta carta sin leerla, pero al menos por mi parte, lo escrito estará dicho.

José te quería mucho, lo sé porque siempre siguió en contacto conmigo. No te preocupes, nuestra vida de casados terminó, en la práctica, hace muchísimo tiempo. Me tomó un tiempo comprender eso, pero cuando me fui de Chile, lo hice en tranquilidad. No fue sino hasta algunos años después que supe que no se quedó solo, sino que desde antes de irme, él ya estaba a tu lado. Pero yo ya tenía una nueva vida, tal como ustedes dos.

Espero que puedas tomar los buenos recuerdos y atesorarlos, ya ha pasado demasiado tiempo como para que recuerdes lo negativo, lo triste. Puedes seguir culpándome de cómo evolucionó su historia, pero para mí esas recriminaciones ya son cosas del pasado. Él volvió a escribirme, al principio mandaba mensajes con nuestro hijo, pero luego se dedicó a contarme algunos problemas. Nunca comprendí por qué no volvió a casarse, pero yo tampoco lo hice.
Con él, que había sido mi pareja, nos volvimos confidentes, y sin embargo nosotras, que fuimos como hermanas alguna vez, cortamos vínculos por haber compartido sentimientos por un hombre. Siento que eso no debe ser más.

Yo no guardo rencores, ni con él ni contigo, ni por las historias que devinieron por haber sido los tres tan cercanos. Siento que nunca es tarde para restablecer vínculos, o al menos, para finalizar algunos conflictos, y encontrar tranquilidad.

Te mando este libro que él me pidió conseguir para ti, pues no había podido encontrarlo en Chile. Sé que quería dártelo para su aniversario. Espero que lo guardes y te recuerde lo mucho que él valoraba tu compañía.

Si quieres contactarme, te recibiré como una amiga. Cuídate mucho.
Saludos,

Laura.
Oct/2010

Mezquindad

Hoy me siento mezquina. No quiero trabajar por otros, no quiero mejorar el mundo para nadie más. Sólo quiero poder estar tranquila, tener un tiempo y un espacio en que me sienta segura, tranquila, feliz; donde poder soñar...

No quiero estar pendiente de amenazas, mentiras, peligros. Soy mala mintiendo. Soy peor ocultando. Más mezquindad - no me interesa lo que pienses de mí, prefiero ser honesta con cómo soy que con quien quieres/piensas que soy

Warmth...

There is warmth in my home tonight.
Let me remember this night, which is nothing special, and there lies its beauty.
May i not forget the possibilities, the unspoken hopes.
Let me never forget how much i love you as you enjoy your hobby, and cook some pasta for us, humming and whistling old songs.
Let the time pass for us together, so i should never fear looking back, and remembering how much i love you, tonight.

Smell of cotton u's.

I don't want to take anyone, nor to be taken, for granted.

I want to discover the sweetness of tender love as if nothing else exists beyond.

I'll slide into an embrace, or feel a mischievous presence nearby, and realize I am feeling something long-forgotten, or perhaps, newly found.

The cool of steel, the warmth of spice, the softness of cotton... i want to feel as if wearing a comfortable pijama. Better yet, i feel like wearing the idea of a pijama, or what i once thought the idea of a pijama must be.

I am not learning something new, I am learning to remember.

Flashes of scented U's. Maps of Self's. I want no other memories, learnt fears, or expectations. I don't want rehearsed feelings, or worn caresses. None but mine.

Treading carefully across a glass bridge...

Sweet August

It has been a wonderful month.

With it's heights and lows, but great when I think of it as a whole.
I don't want it to end, I want to live in Dream...

My home... happiness flows and shines over things. My magic is made of this. Happiness feeds me - tenderness, care.

It's an adventure - for the first time, it is my whole self on the line.
Unafraid, willing, brave - my stubbornness decided to go for it. It is worth the risk.

Come, let us hide from the world. This is Ours, time is Now. And that is all I care to know...